i went back to my primary school today, 20% for my teacher and my friends (whom most decided to forget about rss), and 80% for one special person.

but i just it's just a let down every single damned time.

i thought i'd be elated. i was so excited on my way there, trying to keep my smile to myself. i couldn't wait to see that one person, even though if it was just a glance. i told myself i'd be contented with just that. what more could i ask for?

beware, i'm going to contradict myself alot in here.

but it turned out bittersweet. sweet because i got to see the guy who made my heart flutter every single time, and tingle by anything that reminds me of him. bitter because of many things.

he DID NOT want to take a single look at me. nor did he want to say hi. (that bXXXXX aXXXXXX). it was the exact repeat of last year september. wtf is he trying to do? in sms he's totally fine, but in person he tries to ignore and avoid me. come on, IF YOU COULD LIE TO ME, WHY CAN'T YOU FACE ME. it's such a let down that i've spent years on him, only to have he, to end it all with a sour note. does it mean that we'll play pretend and be strangers whenever we see each other in person now? does it mean that only my sms he's able to face me and talk to me? he's still the same, on the outside the cool guy, yet inside, passionate. too bad the other lucky girl got it.

i wonder why does he acts like he doesn't know me. ever since i left primary school, and everytime i went back, i went back just for him. he, and all my other good guy friends were the sole reason why i felt a sense of belonging to the school, the only reason i faithfully come back to visit every year. but because of the cold shoulder, i am forced to stay away and go along with other people whom i just can't tell, and can't make them understand, that whenever i go back, i just wanna hang with his group. i want to talk to them and see how they've been getting along, and joke and hang out like we all did before. i guess it's never going to be possible. i can never go up and talk to them anymore. i wonder whatever happened to the six (now nine) years of friendship.

every year i sob over this stupid small matter which i guess he on the other hand, might not even give a damn about. i get moody over the fact that things have changed now and that this wall has been built up between us. does it mean that i'll only get a proper talk when we're not face to face? and i go back to school, and pretend like i'm all over the whole thing, talk and laugh loudly, have a short glance for about a few seconds, and go off silently (not by my will). because i can't tell any of my friends that i want to stay. a glance is all i asked for, but yet i get upset by just that glance. what more am i asking for?

i can't tell my friends the real reason i'm going back for. maybe the day he decides not to come back to visit, i shall not too. but maybe, i might still go back, just to relieve the memories, (though contradictingly the school's been reconstructed and hardly anything familiar remains), and just to feel close to his school. and to show that i'm still waiting, at the sole place where the most memories of him remains.

and i can't understand why i can't move on, and keep harping on this what-i-think is the just-perfect-for-me one, yet let me down so badly.

and i shall decide, the next time i go back, no one shall follow me, and i shall sit by the gate all by myself, watch him enter and stay till the time he leaves, before i head home. even if he doesn't give a damn and does not look at me. i don't care.

i don't know what i'm doing. i'm wasting precious time.

{ C }
the kind of girl who mopes around about stuff ALOT
& somedays on mute mode

A LEFT-HANDER WHO FEEDS ON JROCK :D

Is a caffeine addict, & doesn't mind giving up talking for good. With not much self-confidence to start with, her ugly teeth upset her a lot but she plans to do nothing about it. Cheap thrills include rainy days, graphic designing, writing & a little dosage of her jrock darlings. Can conjure up some really good shit in her mind sometimes, but has problems putting them onto paper and into reality. Overall an average kid who's neither here nor there in everything she does, & gets bothered by it sometimes. Has trouble finding her direction in life. Mostly negative and wishes to be more apathetic. Currently finding a way to start a new life in Japan, with a different name.

Still likes to talk to inanimate things like her stuffed penguin.

♥REITA,
just because.

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